islandhippy

Sandy: I spent my 7th wedding anniversary mopping up vomit! Both my babies are ill: the fat hairy one ("Don't talk about Olive like that!" Phil) cannot control his bowels and has locked himself in the bathroom. The slightly less chubby whiny one is projectile vomiting. So far she's only vomited over Phil, which is good. I was supposed to be dining on braised beef cheeks and rosemary-laced rack of lamb with garlicky, truffled purée at Les Artistes Bistro. Instead I'm mopping up vomit

I didn't have the energy to cook Phil soup but I found an old tin of Waitrose tomato soup at the back of a cupboard. Expiry date: August 2009. Phil already has diarrhoea, how worse can it get? ("Gee, thanks!" Phil) For Olive, I prepared a fresh carrot and coriander soup so I hope she can keep that down.

This morning I walked to Alexandra Hospital (taking a shortcut through the morgue, which is rather appropriate) to pick up my health screening report. Two weeks ago I'd spent a morning at the hospital doing blood tests (two rounds because the first nurse couldn't find a vein), urine and stool tests ("please don't go there" Sandy), blood pressure, ECG and eyesight tests.

When I arrived at the "Health for Life Centre" this morning the doctor sat me down and explained that I'm carrying around a lot of extra baggage! Apparently I need to lose at least 5kg (11lb) although I quickly pointed out that the nurses had weighed me with all my clothes on! (During the weigh-in I offered to strip for the cute Malay nurses but they turned me down.)

My cholesterol levels are as follows:

• Total cholesterol: 5.56 mmol/L (215 mg/dl) = borderline high
• Triglycerides: 1.96 mmol/L (174 mg/dl) = borderline high
• HDL (good cholesterol): 1.11 mmol/L (43 mg/dl) = desirable
• LDL (bad cholesterol): 3.70 mmol/L (143 mg/dl) = borderline high
• HDL ratio: 5.01 = not good!

My BMI is a bit too high and needs to come down. My body fat is way too high (no more processed pizza and hot dogs for me). My phosphate levels are too low (processed pizza and hot dogs here I come). And if that wasn't enough, the doctor really had to stick the knife in by claiming I have a build-up of ear wax!

Luckily my ECG, chest x-ray and blood glucose results were fine and my eyesight is perfect.

The doctor suggested I cut down on red meat and was not impressed when I told her I'd barbecued a massive steak the night before. She also asked me to cut down on intestines and fish roe, which should be easier to follow. She was a little confused to learn the monthly alcohol consumption figures on her report were in fact my weekly alcohol consumption figures and she didn't appear to be familiar with binge drinking so obviously didn't train in the UK.

I'm devising a fitness plan now and will share it with you if it ever comes into being. I did poke my head round the door of the gym at work this afternoon but it made me rather queasy.

UPDATE: I bought a healthy salad for lunch yesterday (costing me twice as much as local fare) and I now have food poisoning! I've had to take the morning off and work from home.

UPDATE#2: Both Olive and I are unwell, it's probably a stomach bug. Sandy and I have had to cancel our 7th wedding anniversary dinner tonight. I'm on soup until further notice. "That should help you lose weight!" Sandy

Olive is such a cheeky monkey. Recent examples:

• Olive farted, looked around for a scapegoat and said "Daddy fart"!
• Olive showed Sandy the Lego car that Daddy built. When Sandy asked her who built it, Olive replied "Olive build, Daddy help"!
• Point to Olive's big tummy and ask "Who has a big tummy?" and she'll reply "Mummy big nummy".

More one-liners from Olive:

• Ask Olive where her hair is and she points to her head. Ask her where Daddy's hair is and she opens her palms to the heavens and replies "Daddy hair no more". Thanks kid.
• While walking past a particularly dense patch of foliage, Olive pointed to the leaves and said "Po Po [Granny] pluck tree" in reference to her grandmother plucking and eating the neighbour's hedge

or just looking for a good place to hide

Congratulations Karen and Aik on the birth of Ethan. The whole family looks surprisingly calm and Karen seems to be coping very well. Ethan's so tiny, at one week he's smaller than Olive when she was born!

As well as meeting baby Ethan, Olive also met lots of baby penguins this morning at Jurong Bird Park.

We get to eat lots of weird and wonderful food when mother-in-law is visiting. A couple of days ago she spotted a fruit, which she calls "pigs' titties" in Hokkien, in somebody's garden then cooked it in a dish of sambal udang petai. That dish would translate as "hot and sour prawns with stinky beans and pigs' titties" ... nice. Tonight I got home from work to discover mother-in-law had plucked, cooked and eaten the neighbour's hedge! She cooked the daun kaduk or wild betel in coconut milk with dried shimps, white pepper and chilli. She saved some for the neighbours but I decided to eat the evidence.

It took us ten days to finish the Christmas turkey. We had fried turkey noodles, several rounds of turkey sandwiches, stir-fried turkey with garlic and soy and, pictured above, stuffed turkey and avocado tortillas baked in tomato sauce with a super sprouty salad of alfalfa, mung bean, sunflower, pea shoots and watercress. No more turkey ... next year I'm roasting a quail.

I found these classic school photos, taken in the late 80s, on a friend's Facebook album. The photo above is from a fancy-dress disco at Loughborough Grammar School. Phil A is on the left ... is he James Bond or the Cadbury's Milk Tray Man? I've obviously borrowed Dad's operating theatre gown. The two girls are Sally and Lucy.

The photo below shows Jo and I trying to remember how to dance the waltz. Jo was a friend at Loughborough High School and my ballroom dancing partner ... I hope she remembers more dance steps than I do.

[Photo of black pepper crab taken from yum.sg]

Phil, Sandy, Olive and the bump wish you all the best for 2010. We're very excited about the coming year ... a new member of the family will be joining us in June!

Sandy and I left Olive in the care of mother-in-law, who has been with us since Christmas, and ushered in the new year at a friend's house with a late-night feast of black pepper crab, fried garlic rice, spicy chicken wings and Laurent-Perrier Brut Millésimé 2000 Champagne.

As if a 7kg turkey wasn't enough on Christmas Day, we had another lovely turkey dinner on Boxing Day with Don's family and Drunkle Sri. Then the following day, on the Sunday, the neighbours threw a post Christmas potluck party. Sandy prepared green salad with mango and avocado, Phil cooked an Italian meatball dish. Somebody prepared lasagne, there was a pasta salad and various homemade dips. And for pudding a delicious blueberry cheesecake that made an ideal accompaniment to Sophia's bottle of Sauternes.

We're now halfway through the turkey. Mother-in-law has already cooked fried turkey noodles with garlic and bird's-eye chillies, Sandy's made turkey stock from the bones and Phil's taking turkey sandwiches to the office for a week.

Sandy's parents and elder sis drove down from KL to join us for Christmas. Olive was happy as she loves to play with her godmother Hueh Hueh. Who else will dry her hair with a blowdryer instead of holding her under the ceiling fan like mummy and daddy normally do?!

Olive received a crazy number of presents. I can't wait for her to go to bed so I can start playing with them all.

I slightly misjudged the size of the turkey, or the number of guests, and bought a 7kg turkey to feed five people. That's a lot of turkey. It took six hours to cook but was delicious. Instead of the usual turkey stuffing, we made a wild rice stuffing with pancetta, brandy-soaked cranberries, walnuts and sage, and we served the turkey with mum's homemade crabapple jelly. Sandy did a fantastic job with roast potatoes, parsnips, pumpkin and beetroot, carrots and delicious turkey gravy. My brandy butter contained six times more brandy than Delia asked for and had teetotal father-in-law asking for more.

Obviously we're going to be eating turkey for the next few weeks although we did manage to deliver two plates of Christmas dinner to our neighbours who'd spent the afternoon in A&E with dengue fever!

Olive woke to find a Christmas stocking next to her cot. Thank you Father Christmas.

Sandy and I celebrated Christmas Eve with dahi poori, butter chicken, rogan josh, bindi masala, palak paneer, biryani and naan. If that sounds like a culturally confused combination, in Baxter Farm, England, my parents have prepared Singapore chicken curry for 70 guests for their Christmas Eve party due to start in another few hours.

Back in Singapore, Olive and Sandy's stockings are ready and hanging over the aircon unit, all the presents are under the tree and we've left a little palak paneer out for Father Christmas in case he's feeling peckish.

Merry Christmas to all our readers!

Congratulations!

My darling wife is three months pregnant! Olive will soon have a little brother or sister to play with! We're so happy.

Olive's granny was visiting from the UK last week and Olive's two aunties were down from Kuala Lumpur so we celebrated with a Champagne breakfast in the Botanic Gardens. Croissants from Laurent Bernard Chocolatier in Portsdown Road, cheese from Julien Bompard's new La Fromagerie in Holland Village, smoked salmon, muffins, ham and fruit. George and Kiki also joined us and supplied the coffee.

Sandy is due third week of June 2010. Hooray!

If you're suffering from Singapore island fever or tiring of Christmas shopping in featureless Singapore malls that all contain exactly the same shops, dim the lights, turn up the volume and enjoy this beautiful video of blue cranes learning to fly that was shot in South Africa by Christian Letruria with music by Sigur Ros (Hoppypolla, takk 2005).

Learn To Fly from Christian Letruria on Vimeo.

While clearing out the spare room this morning I found an old diary of mine from the early 1980s. I think Sue Townsend must have used this as inspiration for her Adrian Mole series of books:

Thursday 5 January 1984
[In London] After breakfast Mum took me shopping round Carnaby Street, we went by tube. It was great fun. Outside every shop there were Heavy Metal studs, hair spray and gel. I bought a T-shirt and had it printed while I waited. I also bought studs and white hair spray. We had pizza for lunch, it was nice but they tried to do us out of 30p. We were in a clothes shop when we met the Rosses. We chatted and had a cup of coffee. Mum and I went to The Museum of Mankind. It was small but good. We took a cab to Covent Garden and met Granny and the girls. Mum and Granny were hooked on buying clothes. Totally boring. We then looked round the market and went home by tube. A magnificent day.

Friday 6 January 1984
[In Willoughby on the Wolds] It was lovely to be back in my own bed again. Mum came in to wake me up and she lectured me on hi-fi equipment use or rather she wasted about 15 minutes. We rushed to get to Mr Francis, the dentist, but finally arrived 10 minutes early. It was just a check-up and Mr Francis said my teeth were perfect but I didn't brush them often enough or in the right way. I received my second lecture of the day. We then went shopping in the Victoria Centre. Holly had to get a present for her school friend and I had to buy a flipping toothbrush! We put Holly back in the car as she wasn't feeling too well. I went and bought a pair of ace stretch jeans. On the way back home we collected the dog from the milkman. In the afternoon we took down all the Christmas decorations and I sprayed my hair blue, white and purple and used a yellow hair gel. Mum and Dad went out for dinner. Not a brilliant day.

Saturday 7 January 1984
[In London] Dad and I wend back down to London, had breakfast and went on to The Boat Show. It was excellent. We then went to see Uncle Peter and he gave me some wooden Polish birds. We then went to Alexandra Palace where there was a huge antiques fair. Came back home and watched a James Bond film "You Only Live Twice". This was a fabulous, excellent, brilliant day.

Sunday 8 January 1984
[In Willoughby on the Wolds] In Church Holly and I both read prayers out as part of the sermon. It was also prize-giving so we received two books and a £2 gift voucher each. We had Bob and Leela over for lunch. In the evening Dad and I went to Andrew's house to look at his BBC computer. It was very good. I have also set up my Aurora race track with Holly. This was a great day.

I wrote four New Year's resolutions in the front of the diary:
1. Brush teeth twice a day
2. Read the Bible every day
3. Write my diary every day
4. Play tennis every day

What the hell was I like?! I was obviously a five-foot-tall tennis-mad religious nutter with stretch jeans, bad teeth and multi-coloured spiky hair.

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Oh dear, poor Julia -- neighbour and playmate of Olive -- has just been diagnosed with head, shoulders, knees & toes ... I mean hand, foot & mouth disease. Julia was running a fever over the weekend and missed her own birthday party. Let's see if there's a streetwide epidemic. Hopefully not otherwise we might all have to be quarantined.

Get well soon Julia!

Bring the kids down to The Shophouse, Gillman Village (off Alexandra Rd, Singapore), this Thursday 26 Nov for balloon twisting and a magic show. The monthly bazaar at The Shophouse will be open late—until 8pm—to allow for some serious Christmas shopping. Bored husbands can grab a burger from the BBQ, listen to the live jazz band and hang out at the Monsoon Books stand! If I'm not there, Monsoon's very own Christmas elf will be (if she doesn't quit after reading this).

Sandy's obstetrician referred her to Singapore's National Heart Centre for a doppler-echo scan of her heart as she has an irregular heartbeat but the doctors didn't discover anything and told Sandy she's just getting old! (Thanks, we paid a lot for that diagnosis.) Far more frightening was the food being served at the canteen on the ground floor of the Heart Centre. Just in case you don't already have heart disease, simply choose any of the dishes on offer here then check yourself in upstairs for heart surgery. There is not a single healthy dish on offer, you have to choose from char kway teow, mee rebus, fried chicken wings and nasi lemak. It's as insane as the McDonald's located in KK Women's and Children's Hospital.

[Photo of a black baza by zzlaloq]

In England I used to listen out for the first cuckoo of the year, which heralds the arrival of Spring; in Singapore I eagerly await the arrival of the first flocks of black bazas, which for me is a reminder that Christmas is just around the corner. Black bazas are a winter migrant in Singapore. They arrive in small flocks from North Asia and either spend the winter in Singapore or continue on to Indonesia. We always have a flock of this beautiful crested bird of prey spending Christmas with us in the forest at the back of our house.

My first weekend alone with Olive didn’t turn out quite as I expected. Sandy and her Joy Luck Club Monday mothers meetup group flew off for a much-deserved weekend break in Thailand leaving babies with fathers. I had been really looking forward to this weekend of father–daughter bonding. Sandy had taken all the hard work out of it by drafting a feeding schedule and pre-cooking all Olive’s food so apart from the fact I had no food of my own and would probably have to beg scraps from Olive, I was confident we would both survive the weekend and have some fun adventures along the way.

However, things started to go wrong on Friday afternoon before Sandy had even left as Olive came down with a fever and took herself off to bed for a second afternoon nap, which is very peculiar for her. I received an urgent phone call from Sandy asking me to come back home early from work. Olive’s forehead was really hot and we had horrible flashbacks of febrile convulsions. Very reluctantly, Sandy left for the airport and I waited for Olive to wake, slightly less confident than I had been only a few hours earlier and sure enough, within an hour of Olive waking, I was covered head to toe in vomit. Olive hadn’t digested her lunch and had instead saved it all for daddy.

I bathed Olive then made a quick call to a neighbour, whose Filipina helper kindly dried and dressed Olive while I showered and threw my clothes in the washing machine (where they stayed for a couple of days while I studied the washing machine instruction manual). Olive refused all food, drink and medication on Friday evening until she woke at 1am — she usually sleeps from 8pm to 8am every night — when I managed to get her to take Calpol and some water. The poor little thing only managed a little bread and pasta and some sips of milk and water on Saturday and was now refusing to sleep alone. She became hysterical at the sight of her cot and would only sleep next to me in bed. Saturday was really rough on Olive (and the neighbours). On Saturday night she only slept for two hours at a time, perhaps because she was in daddy’s bed and I kept whacking her in the head with my elbow. By Sunday morning I was getting really concerned about her lack of fluid intake. I phoned a different neighbour — hoping that the two different sets of neighbours wouldn't confer with the other and realize I am totally useless — and invited myself round for breakfast in the hope that Olive might drink some milk if she saw her playmates eating. When I arrived both sets of neighbours were already waiting for me and they kindly took Olive and tried various foods but to no avail. Olive’s temperature had subsided though and she was more playful when we returned home. Unfortunately she became hysterical at the sight of food and drink so I had no choice but to take her to the clinic. The doctor pretty much confirmed what we thought, that if she had a virus and was feeling cranky she probably wouldn’t eat for a couple of days and that’s nothing to worry about as long as she is taking fluids. The doctor said to hospitalize her if she still refused all drinks after another eight hours.

Olive is no fan of hospitals and she obviously overheard the doctor because as soon as we arrived home, she turned to me and said “Num num”, which I translated as “Give me food now, man, I’m bloody starving and I don’t want another IV drip in my arm”. Incredibly she was suddenly back to her normal self. She basically ate and drank for the whole of Sunday afternoon and played all the games I’d been hoping we would play over the weekend. We read the new books and played the new game I’d bought her, then bounced on the bed, blew bubbles, played hide-and-seek, watched some cheesy Chinese baby songs on YouTube, went for a bike ride, pulled the neighbour’s dog’s ears, built the KL Tower with Lego … she was a baby transformed.

Am I disappointed that Olive and I missed out on an action-packed weekend of laughter and games? Yes. But, you know what, we probably bonded more due to her being ill than if she’d been her usual self. Now, a day after Mummy has returned, she’s still calling for Daddy when she wants comforting … that is the nicest thing you can ever hear.

If I learnt anything at all from the weekend it is (a) that Sandy does an amazing job and deserves to spend every weekend in Thailand — er, perhaps not — (b) that our neighbours are great — and I’m sorry they’ve now fallen ill, I don’t think it was from Olive — and (c) that it’s not advisable to leave vomit in the washing machine for two days.

Baby didn't ship with a manual (part II)
Baby didn't ship with a manual (part I)

Where were you when the Berlin Wall came down twenty years ago today? I was selling ridiculously expensive Christmas trees and glass baubles in the Christmas Decorations department (or Xmas Decs, as we called it) of Harrods in Knightsbridge, London. I was 18 years old and just beginning my gap year between school and university. I was putting in a couple of months' work at Harrods to earn the dosh to travel for nine months in India and Southeast Asia. At the time I was expecting to return from Asia to take up a place at university studying German literature. (In the end I switched from German to Indonesian literature, which was a far more sensible option considering the canon of written Indonesian literature spans about 150 years compared to over 800 years of German literature.) But back in the Xmas Decs dept of Harrods, I was still expecting to be reading Thomas Mann and Hermann Hesse (and was yet to discover Mochtar Lubis and Pramoedya Ananta Toer) and was very much into German culture. I was completely amazed that the wall was being torn down and I remember seriously considering ditching the baubles and hopping on a bus (no budget flights back then) to Berlin to join in the celebrations. That I didn't (I was quite protective of my baubles and didn't want any of the Etonians in the storeroom to smash them) is a decision I still regret today (together with never seeing Queen in concert before Freddie Mercury's death ... evidently I share with Germans a poor taste in pop music too).

I did manage to visit East Berlin when it was still under Communist rule. I entered the Eastern Bloc state for just an afternoon as a teenager. The only thing I remember now was being in a bar and ordering a Coke only to be met with a blank stare. Of course they didn't have Coca-Cola! It was then that I realized what it meant to be the wrong side of the wall: no Coke ... oh, and the Stasi (the Ministry for State Security) of course.

Olive donned new helmet on Sunday and joined her boy racer playmate Jordy for a spin round East Coast Park. Neither toddler broke a sweat though as auto-wallahs Phil and David and dabba-wallahs Sandy and Dora were hired for the afternoon to drive and dispense snacks along the route. This was Olive's first time on a bike and she had great fun speeding round the park with the wind in her face, looking at all the other kids cycling and rollerblading. Sandy and I needed the exercise but after cycling just a mile and burning off ten calories, we were sapped of energy and popped into Komala's Indian restaurant for biryani, vadai, poori and chapati. (Phil's carbo-loading breakfast of five roti prata with mutton curry obviously didn't do the trick.)

Sandy forgot that 31 October is Halloween so accepted a lunch invitation with girlfriends leaving me to take Olive to her first ever Halloween party. I had wanted to buy Olive a cute pumpkin dress that I'd seen for sale but Sandy borrowed a hilarious Dracula outfit from a neighbour. Lucky for Olive she went as Dracula because there was another pumpkin at the party. A dress disaster narrowly avoided. Photos from Adora and Max.

Since my dear wife and robot baby (I taught Olive to walk like a robot and she prefers this to regular walking) are out of town for ten days, I'm enjoying a rare holiday at home. On Tuesday evening I caught the New York Philharmonic at the Esplanade Concert Hall. With new conductor Alan Gilbert at the helm, and Emannuel Ax on piano, the visiting orchestra performed Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 4 and Symphony No. 7. The performances were amazing and I was lucky to have a great seat ... I was too late to book a ticket online for this sell-out event so I strolled up to the Esplanade box office an hour before it started and picked up a S$275 ticket for less than half the price from an elderly Frenchman who had been stood up. Hey, I'll be anybody's partner if I get to listen to the NY Philharmonic! The audience responded enthusiastically with a partial standing ovation for both pieces and we were entertained with some encores. I can't wait to take Olive to concerts ... it'll probably be the Wiggles before Beethoven but that's cool. I hope Olive inherits her mother's musical talent and not mine. Sandy plays the piano (apparently) but I don't play anything. Somebody did pass an oboe round at school once but I didn't inhale. I hope Olive chooses the cello, that would make me so happy. Olive on the cello, Sandy on the grand piano, me ... conducting of course!

LOL, I've been invited for cocktails with the President of Singapore at The Istana (the palace). I've lived here for nine years and this is my first invite; I was beginning to think they'd forgotten about me! The Istana does open its grounds to the public on most public holidays but I've never made it as I've always been hungover after partying too hard on the eve of every holiday. Now I'll get the chance to snoop around the palace and have a drink at the same time! How convenient.

Congratulations Jenson on winning the 2009 Formula One Championship! Olive xxx

Wishing all readers a happy deepavali. We celebrated deepavali with Sri, Don and kids, Ritchel, Andy, Claudia, Christopher and Babs at Andhra Curry restaurant on Kerbau Road in Singapore's Little India. This place specializes in food from Andhra Pradesh, in particular Hyderabadi biryani. We didn't try the biryani so we'll have to go back for that but we did eat some great thalis with mutton, chicken and fish-head curries. A big thanks to Sri for inviting us for deepavali lunch and for introducing us to Hyderabadi cuisine.

Poor old Olive woke yesterday morning to find everything still dark. Had the sun forgotten to rise? No, a mosquito had bitten Olive's eyelids causing them to swell and partially cover her eyes! How horrible. Sandy took Olive to KK Hospital where she was given cream and antibiotics. The poor little thing looks as though she has been in a brawl. Eight rounds of fisticuffs with teddy in the cot, perhaps? I think it's time to drape the whole block in DEET-soaked mosquito netting.